Perry Johanneson and the Toothbrush Thief
by RedcurrantSmoothie
Summary: When somebody steals Zeus' favourite toothbrush, poor Perry Johanneson is blamed. Can Perry and his friends Hannabette Face and Rover Overwood find it before it's too late? Parody of the Lightning Thief.
1. Prologue

**I am so unbelievably bored today. This is what came out of my boredom: a parody!**

**Ladies and gentleman, I give you, Perry Johanneson and the Toothbrush thief!**

**Disclaimer- I am not Rick Riordan. I am currently on Facebook, not writing the Son of Neptune. I also do not own any of the songs mentioned here and neither do I own Jedward, Eurovision or the X Factor.**

-Three months earlier-

Zeus hummed a tune to himself as he walked towards his bathroom to get washed. He may be the king of the gods, but his teeth weren't going to brush themselves! Well, they could if he wanted them to, but he loved his toothbrush that his son Apollo had made him for Father's Day a few decades ago. It was solid gold in the shape of a lightning bolt and whenever you pressed a button it would play a two minute sample of a song to let you know how to long to brush your teeth for. All of his favourite songs were on there: Mr. Blue Sky, Under the Sky, Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds, Red Sky, and his all-time favourite song, Lipstick by Jedward.

However, he reached up to the golden cup in which is toothbrush was kept and realised the shocking truth: it was gone! The toothpaste was there, the dental floss, even the mouthwash, just not his beloved toothbrush. His prized possession vanished without a trace! Screaming like a girl, Zeus thundered into the throne room, hoping to catch a thief.

"WHO DARES STEAL MY TOOTHBRUSH?" Zeus roared to the gathered Olympians.

"Your toothbrush?" Hera repeated sceptically. "Zeus, you're a god. You don't need a toothbrush."

Zeus groaned, _woman! _They just didn't understand.

At the same time, Aphrodite said "you only own one toothbrush?"

"Yes, I can't find my toothbrush, because ONE OF YOU HAS STOLEN IT!" Zeus beat his chest in rage; nobody dared steal anything from him, especially not his favourite thing in the entire world. You could steal his throne, steal his lightning bolt, but never under any circumstances do you steal his toothbrush!

"Is it the toothbrush I got you for Father's Day?" Apollo enquired, taking the headphones out from his ears.

"Yes!"

"Well why did you lose it?" Apollo sounded hurt. "I worked very hard on that, you know!"

"If you're so bothered about your toothbrush, Zeus, we can always get Hephaestus to forge you a new one," Athena sighed.

"BUT I DON'T WANT A NEW TOOTHBRUSH; I WANT MY OLD ONE BACK!" Zeus whined. Why did nobody understand that it was so important to him? That's like telling Ares that his spear had broken, or Demeter that there was going to be a drought so she couldn't grow plants. Just because it was a toothbrush didn't make it unimportant. It was still a magical item nonetheless.

"Well, can't you tell us what it looks like, so we can keep an eye out for it?" Athena replied, looking doubtful.

"It's gold, shaped like a lightning bolt and has a button that plays a song when you press it. It has my favourite song on: Lipstick by Jedward!" The other gods looked confused so Zeus sang a line of it to see if he could refresh their memories, "You know, _she got her lipstick on here I come, da da dum!"_ Still no response. "Come on, you _must _know Jedward! That Irish duo who were on X Factor and Eurovision! They're musical GENIUSES, right, Apollo?"

"Um," the music god hesitated, "as the god of music, I'd have to say no. In fact, they're awful and can't hold a note to save their lives."

Zeus groaned, what gave Apollo the right to insult his heroes? Normally he would have defended them but right not the main focus was to find the thief. "I think one of you has purposely stolen it, just to smite me for being a bad father!"

"More like a bad husband," Hera muttered under her breath, quietly but still audible. She just didn't understand him. Just because she was the goddess of marriage didn't give him the right to boss him around. He was the king of the gods! He could date whoever he pleased.

"HERMES!" Zeus exclaimed, "You're the god of thieves! It was you, wasn't it?"

"No, father, I would never steal from you!" Hermes cowered. It was true though; Hermes wouldn't dare steal anything from him. Only pesky mortals and his brothers and sisters. Often he encouraged it; it was so amusing to watch them run around frantically trying to find their beloved item.

"Ares! You're the god of war, perhaps you thought that if you stole it a war would result from the conflict?" Zeus accused, though he didn't really believe it. Ares may be stupid, but he didn't think he would be that stupid.

"Of course not," Ares sniffed, "I wouldn't want to touch your toothbrush anyway."

Zeus ignored the last comment, then suddenly had a burst of inspiration. "POSEIDON! IT WAS YOU, WASN'T IT?" Poseidon looked taken aback. Hah. So it was him! "HOW DARE YOU!"

"Zeus, I can assure you that it was not I who stole your toothbrush. Even if I wanted to, I cannot enter your dimension without invitation, therefore I couldn't take your toothbrush," Poseidon explained. He pained to admit it, but he did have a point. However, he couldn't look like a fool and admit he was wrong, so he carried on accusing him.

"Nice try, but you could have ordered somebody to do the dirty work for you."

"Um, who?"

"I don't know, your son or something," Zeus shrugged.

"I don't have a son, though," Poseidon replied. Zeus disbelieved him regardless.

"Fishface, if my toothbrush is not returned by the Summer Solstice, um, I will ground you!" Zeus seemed pretty pleased with himself; he'd thought up that punishment all by himself. He could give Athena a run for her money.

"Zeus, you aren't my father, you can't ground me," Poseidon smirked. He was right, so Zeus thought up something even better.

"Well then, I will take away all your pocket money for the next decade!"

"I don't get any pocket money."

"How about a fully-fledged war of the gods?" Ares suggested. It was tempting, but Zeus still preferred his idea.

"No, I like the idea of no pocket money," Zeus admitted. How dare Ares suggest that he could come up with a better punishment?

"Come on, it'll be fun!" Ares pleaded.

"Fine, there will be a war AND you'll get no allowance!" Zeus declared. "Now, I bid you all goodbye!"

Zeus left the room dramatically, letting his final declaration linger in their thoughts. _That'll teach that kelp-brain to mess with me! _Zeus thought to himself.

Then Zeus sulked in his bedroom and cried for the next few hours.

**The next chapter will switch to Percy, or shall I say, Perry?**

**Also, I'm British so I like to add extra Us and stuff in words, so do not review saying I've spelt 'favourite' wrong, that's just how I spell them! I'll try to use some American words, because it's an American series, but I can't guarantee anything seeing as I don't really know a lot! The only reason I'm saying this is because in a previous multi-chapter I got called out for using grey instead of gray and apologise instead of apologize, when that's how it's spelt here.**

**Reviews are loved. Tell me what you liked, disliked, any constructive criticism, if I should continue. The next chapter will be funny, I promise!**


	2. My Maths Teacher Tries to Kiss Me

**Woohoo! An update in less than a day!**

**Disclaimer- I don't own Percy Jackson, Phineas and Ferb, Perry the platypus, the French language, Mr. Blue Sky, Singstar Queen or the song We Will Rock you. **

You know, I always wanted to be a half-blood. It's seriously cool; I mean what couldn't be great about it? Sure there are the monsters, the chances of dying young, the battles, never fitting in at school, everybody wanting to kill you, but hey! You get to be a hero! Well, if you go on a quest that is. Quests are hard, and often get you or your friends killed, but all in a day's work for us demigods!

If you're reading this because you have nothing better to do, you're in for a treat because my life is freaking epic! If you're reading this because you think you're a half-blood then get your butt down to Camp right now, it's AWESOME! Seriously.

Anyway, back to the story. Well, we never really began the story.

Are you sitting comfortably?

No?

Tough.

I'm beginning anyway.

My name is Perry Johanneson, and as you can probably tell, I'm a demigod. I won't tell you whose child I am because that'll spoil the story, but I am the son of one of the best gods there is! My mother named me Perry after her favourite show, Phineas and Ferb, where they have a pet platypus called Perry, except he isn't really a platypus; he's a secret agent! I guess my mom hoped that I would one day do something to save the world. Or that I'll become a platypus. Who knows? It's hard to tell with my mom.

I'm twelve years old, and I go to Fancy-Pants Academy for posh and snooty kids with problems. I'm nowhere near posh or snooty but you could say I'm troubled. I had to board there because my mom didn't feel it was safe for me at home, though back then I had no idea how it wasn't safe. Maybe just because my stepfather smelt so bad, but I'll talk about that slob later.

I was always getting into trouble, but the time when I got into the most trouble was when I had to go to some boring old museum with my class. Normally I'd try and wriggle out of these trips by playing sick, but as my favourite teacher, Mr. Bummer, was leading it I thought it may not be that bad. Mr Bummer was my Latin teacher, and the only teacher in my school who didn't make me want to commit suicide as soon as they opened their mouths. Unlike everyone else, he let us play games and listen to music as long as we produced some work by the end of the lesson. The only thing I didn't like was that he had a strange obsession with horses. He wore t-shirts to school with horses on, all of his teacher's stickers had horses on, he talked about horses, he drew horses and he even had some horse figurines. Once I even heard him whinny like a horse, though he claimed he was just coughing. Nonetheless, he was still an awesome teacher, which was why I was looking forward to the trip.

Except, when I got there it was just totally not awesome. My maths teacher was coming too, Miss Podds, and she hated me, and found any excuse to punish me. So, this trip I was determined to be extra-good, to prove her wrong. I even put up with stupid Darcy Booboofit pestering me and my best friend Rover. All the way there she kept singing "How much is that doggy in the window?" and making whistling noises which sent my friend Rover crazy. If that wasn't enough, she kept pouring tins of dog food over his head. Don't ask me where she got it from.

Normally, I'd have started on her there and then, but because Miss Podds was staring at me intensely as if to say "Don't you dare," I contained my anger. Of course, even if I didn't, she'd blame me for everything and not Darcy. Once she was calling me names, so I told Miss Podds, who instead of telling her off, made me writes lines on a chalkboard saying "I must not have been born".

I could understand why bullies like Darcy would pick on Rover though. He was small and scrawny, with big bushy eyebrows, and cried a lot. He had a lot of odd quirks too, like he would often bang on about trees and walks and cars for hours even when nobody was listening. Like Mr. Bummer, he had an obsession with an animal, but instead of a horse it was a dog. I wasn't sure whether it was because his first name was 'Rover' or if he changed his name to suit his dog obsession.

If that wasn't bad enough, he had this weird disease that kept him off PE forever, and he had to walk on crutches. He walked really weirdly, but I've seen him run when they were serving bacon in the cafeteria, which I didn't understand because he was a vegetarian. Perhaps he just liked the smell.

When we reached the museum, Mr. Bummer led us all inside and started showing us around, talking to us about all these artefacts and statues of some dead Greek people. At first we were being shown around by a tour guide, but that only lasted five minutes because Mr. Bummer claimed that he knew nothing about Greek mythology and that he would be a better tour guide. I'm glad he did, because not only is he more interesting than the nerdy ginger boy who was going to show us around, he also talked about some seemingly irrelevant things as well. Like when we saw a statue of Jason holding the Golden Fleece, he came out with this funny story about Jason wetting the bed. I don't know how he knew that though. Whenever he spoke about one of these heroes, he would often space out, like he was remembering something. Other times he would be really emotional, like he knew them personally. Or maybe he just realised how sad he was for knowing all of this information.

Later, we came across a stele with pictures representing the era of the Titans. Darcy was sniggering at a statue of a naked person, which really annoyed me because he looked like a nice person and didn't deserve to be laughed at. "Will you please just shut up? You'll hurt his feelings!"

Unfortunately, it came out louder than it was meant to, and everybody started laughing. I didn't understand; I just trying to be nice! I was sure whoever the person was, they'd be thanking me, applauding me, commending me for defending them from the cruel people.

"Oh my gosh, Perry, you're such a lame dork!" Darcy snorted. I hated her guts so much. I'm _not _a lame dork. I wish I knew I was a demigod back then, because then well, I don't know, I'd have boasted about it?

"Perry," Mr. Bummer said, and everybody went quiet to listen to him, "do you have anything to add?"

"No, sir, just that I don't think she should be laughing at the naked Apollo over there, because it would hurt his feelings," I answered truthfully. He nodded his head sincerely, as if he were contemplating over something really important.

"I see, now would you like to tell me what is on this stele?" He questioned, gesturing to one of the pictures depicting a weirdo being sick. I figured he probably had food poisoning of some bad feta cheese.

"Why are you asking me? You're the teacher," I said. Seriously, he was supposed to know these things. If he had to ask the pupils then obviously he wasn't a good teacher.

"Maybe I don't know, maybe my eyes are failing me."

"Well if you don't know then you can't be a very good teacher."

"Perry!" Miss Podds snapped, "You will not speak to your teacher that way!"

I didn't see what it had to do with her; it wasn't like it was any of her business.

"In what way? In English? Okay, maybe I'll try French. _Le why are you le asking moi? Tu est le professor!" _I said in perfect French, complete with the accent. Everybody was giving me strange looks. Clearly they were just jealous of my fluency. Instead of commending me for speaking in a different language, she just shook her head sternly and ordered me to go outside. What a cheek! She should be proud that one of her pupils was so intelligent. Oh well, that's adults for you.

I was about to open my mouth to protest, but Mr. Bummer did it for me. "But miss, I was about to ask him a really important question that will give really obvious hints to his heritage!"

I had no clue what he meant, and to be frank, I still don't know what he meant. However, Miss Podds shook her head and sent me outside while the rest of the class finished the tour. Like I was bothered. To show her I didn't care, I stuck up my pinky finger at her and skipped out the museum to the garden where we'd be having lunch later. I showed her!

I sat and sang a song to myself, Mr. Blue Sky, but when I did the thunder rumbled angrily, which freaked me out a little bit so I stopped. The weirdest thing was, when I stopped singing, the thunder halted, and when I did it came back. My singing wasn't that bad, surely! I'm an amazing singer; I got 421 points singing We Will Rock You on Singstar Queen!

Later on, the rest of the class came out with their lunches. Rover came over and sat next to me. I got out my water bottle from my bag, and Rover got out his water bowl and filled it with the water from my bottle and started lapping it up like a dog. I told you he was weird.

Darcy, the horrible girl, threw a stick to the opposite end of the field and yelled "FETCH!" and instinctively, Rover ran to fetch it. I looked over to my Latin teacher, sitting in his wheelchair, shaking his head in either disgust or humiliation, which I didn't get because it wasn't like he was related to him or anything. Maybe he was, but I didn't think it was likely because they looked nothing alike. I looked back to Rover who was happily bounding back on all fours with the stick in his mouth. Sometimes I wondered why I was even friends with him.

Then, when he returned, Darcy slapped him on the nose with a rolled up newspaper and called him a bad dog, which I deemed as completely unacceptable and I pushed her into the fountain. Everybody was laughing, some even cheered, but one person. Miss Podds.

Furiously, she stormed over towards us wagging her finger, which made Rover go into some kind of weird trance, and told me to get back into the museum that instead. I refused, because earlier she'd ordered me to go out and not return, so it made no sense for her to order me in. Plus, I hadn't even eaten my sandwiches yet. Of course, she didn't care, and dragged me into the museum by my ear. I was kicking and screaming the whole way, but she had the strength of a professional wrestler and an iron grip that wouldn't release me until we were inside.

I looked around; we were in an empty room. I turned to face my teacher, except she had vanished into thin air! _Well thank God for that, _I thought to myself. However, I heard an ear-pitching scream and saw her standing on the window ledge at the top of the wall. I wondered how she managed to get up there.

"WHERE IS IT?" She demanded fiercely, her eyes narrowing until they were merely a straight line. Her hands were clenched into fists and her body was bent over, as if she were going to jump off and dive at me.

"Where's what?" I asked. I had no idea what she was talking about.

"I can't tell you, because then it would spoil the story," she explained calmly, but then reverted to her angry and evil tone, "SO WHERE IS IT?"

"I DON'T KNOW!" I yelled. The next thing I knew, my maths teacher was flying through the air. Except, she didn't look like my maths teacher. Her nails were talons and her hair was a horrible mess of colours. She was wearing a t-shirt reading 'I am a terrifying monster," and she was wearing wet look leggings. Cherry red lipstick covered her lips, and she was caked in bright orange foundation. She was so hideous I wanted to run away and cry.

"GIVE IT TO ME NOW!" When she opened her mouth I could see streaks of lipstick on her yellow, cheesy teeth. I shuddered. I refused to comment, so she swooped down with her lips puckered up into a kissing position and I realised the awful truth: she was going to kiss me if I didn't own up.

"Um, it's in the filing cabinet over there," I lied, pointing to a grey filing cabinet in the corner of the room, hoping she would buy the story. Her eyes lit up, and she immediately flew over to look through it. I ran out the door to escape, but Mr. Bummer blocked the exit. He handed me something made from tin foil, and whispered something to me about using to defeat her. Again, I had no idea what he was talking about.

"PERRY JOHANNESON!" Screeched a familiar voice, "IT IS NOT IN HERE!"

Cautiously, I took out the tin foil object and examined it: it was a sword! She lunged towards me, her lips in a pout, and I thrust the weapon at her chest. It snapped without doing any damage.

"DAMMIT STUPID SWORD WHY WON'T YOU WORK?" I screamed in frustration. All of a sudden, it changed into a real sword before my eyes. Before I could cheer, she was coming at me again, so I hit her again with my new sword.

Instead of blood gushing out, she exploded in a shower of golden dust, and all evidence of her had disappeared.

I turned around, Mr. Bummer had disappeared, and I was standing alone in an empty room holding a tin foil sword. Confused, I stumbled back outside and asked the first person I saw where Miss Podds was. She looked really bewildered, and shook her head and said that she didn't understand. Embarrassed, I walked over to Mr. Bummer, who asked what Miss Spurr wanted. I replied saying that I didn't know who she was.

I was seriously confused; what the hell was going on?

**REVIEW!**

**You know you want to ;D**


	3. Three Old Ladies Push Us off a Bench

**Sorry for the delay! I haven't had much access to the computer!**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Percy Jackson. Neither do I own the Playboy Mansion, Finding Nemo, the Little Mermaid, Cheryl Cole (thank God), the X Factor US (thank God) or Nicole Scherzinger.**

Things at school were really weird now. We no longer had Miss Podds for a maths teacher, but instead this blonde bimbo called Miss Spurr, who looked like she belonged in the Playboy Mansion rather than Fancy-Pants Academy. Sure, all the boys in my class liked her, me included, but it was just strange. Everybody was convinced that she'd been our teacher all year, and that we'd never had Miss Podds. Well, obviously if I was the only one to remember her then she mustn't have been there. People told me I must have been hallucinating. I guessed they were right.

Of course, Rover kept trying to convince me that Miss Podds did exist. Pah. Like I believed him over everyone else.

Not only that, but he kept telling me that Miss Podds was an evil monster who tried to kiss me and accused me of stealing something important. I simply told him that there was no such being as Miss Podds, and even if she was a maths teacher, she wouldn't be monster. He just shook his head and then went back to chasing an imaginary tale.

Seriously, I worry about that kid sometimes.

My days at Fancy-Pants Academy were suffering though. I was doing terribly in all my classes. Okay, I was actually doing really well, but the teachers for some reason marked me wrong all the time and in tests took marks off me for 'not writing neatly enough' or 'not mentioning pineapples'. Well, if the question was about fruit, why on earth would I talk about pineapples? Everyone knows that pineapples are the things that little kids draw when they're trying to depict their family.

I fought more and more with Darcy, though it was always her who started it. Once, we were in history, and she randomly pounced on me for no reason at all. Apparently I was distracting her with my breathing, and of course, the teachers agreed with her and as a punishment, I'd have to hold my breath for the entire class. Luckily for me, I can hold my breath for, like, hours. I showed them. I just dunked my head in the fish tank and stayed there for the lesson. Me and the fish made really good friends actually. He told me about his summer plans to go to the Atlantic Ocean to meet up with his best friend, Nemo. I asked if I could go with him, but he said no on the grounds that I wouldn't fit in with his family.

I guess he's right. His family are a bit strange.

The head teacher called me into his office and interviewed me about how I was feeling at Fancy-Pants Academy. Well, that was the official reason, but the questions didn't really have much to do with anything.

"Perry, if that curtain changed colour from blue to purple what would you think?" He'd asked me. I replied by saying that I think it would look very fetching next to the orange wall. Of course, that was the wrong answer.

"If you turned into a flesh-eating zombie, would you eat your pet?"was his next question. I laughed in his face and told him that I didn't own a pet. He then lectured me about how important it was for me to have a pet, every kid should own one, and that if I didn't book my ideas up soon then he would send me out of the school for good.

Feeling clever, I took out my favourite Little Mermaid ring-binder from my Little Mermaid bag and showed him it. It was a book full of all my ideas for the school, ranging from a mermaid dress up competition, pizza parties for me to celebrate my birthday, a kick Darcy in the face tournament, and a pet elephant for every class. However instead of commending my creativity, he snapped the book shut and told me not to be so stupid.

That day, a letter was sent home to my mother, explaining that I was expelled. Like I cared.

There were some people I'd miss though, Rover despite his weird fetish for all things canine, Mr. Bummer despite his weird fetish for all things equestrian, and...Well, I didn't really have anyone else I liked.

As I was walking back to my room from his office, I passed Mr. Bummer's room and overheard him talking to Rover. To sate my curiosity, I pressed my ear against the door and listened to what they were saying.

"I'm telling you, Rover, Cheryl Cole should _not _have been kicked off the X Factor US!" Mr. Bummer proclaimed.

"No, she deserved it! Did you see that orange and purple outfit? Hideous! Nicole Scherzinger will do a _much _better job than her!" Rover counted. I didn't have a clue who either of the people were, or X Factor US, but their conversation had intrigued me.

"What are you on about, Rover? Cheryl Cole has already been a judge on the UK version, she will know exactly what she's talking about. Plus she's prettyyyy," I could swear drool was coming out of his mouth.

"But you can't understand her accent!" Rover said, "I mean, fair enough Brits can understand her but I surely can't, or as she would say 'cannit'"

"Look, we'll continue this discussion later," Mr. Bummer sighed.

"No, we will continue now!"Rover wailed like a baby. He really needed to grow up.

I couldn't take much more of there nonsense, so I just continued with what I was doing.

Later on that night, I asked Rover who won their argument. He was shocked to learn that I'd been eavesdropping, but then proud to announce that he was victorious. As a result, Mr. Bummer had expelled him as well. Hugging each other, I told him that we were too good for this school.

Rover nodded, and handed me a card with some writing on it. I found it hard to read, because it was written in Japanese for some reason, but he translated it for me.

_Rover Overwood_

_Keeper_

_Half-Blood Hill_

_Long Island, New York_

I didn't understand why he gave me this, but I smiled politely and put in my pocket.

The next week, school was over, and Rover and I were taking the same coach home, which I was thankful for because it was a long journey and I'd be bored stiff if he wasn't there. Sure he was weird and all, but he was great for pranks! I was going to throw a stick up and down the coach and make him chase after it. Such great fun.

Sure enough, I did that, except the fourth time, the stick hit the driver in the eye and the bus broke down conveniently next to a garage. We hopped off the bus and sat down on a bench. We sat there for a few minutes, when rudely a trio of old ladies demanded that we moved and allowed them to sit there. I protested, claiming that we had more of a right to it than they did because we'd been sitting there for longer.

Suddenly, the one in the middle randomly conjured up a piece of string and cut it with a pair of scissors. Rover yelped, and ran away screaming. I was seriously confused, but moved anyway. Fortunately, the bus was now repaired, even though it had only been five minutes, so we got back on there and went home.

Rover made me promise that I'd walk him home; I reminded him that we were not on a date. He said that he knew, though he looked a little crestfallen so I agreed, though it was not a date.

I really do worry about that boy.

**I just want to say thank you for all those who have reviewed so far!**

**Also a note to the anonymous reviewer who said "Zeus's toothbrush seriously? A little stupid don't u think? Sorry if this is a little mean"**

**This is a PARODY. It is SUPPOSED to be stupid!**


	4. Rover Shows Off His Boxer Shorts

**Sorry for a delay, again! I fail at life, but hey at least it's only a week's break, and not months.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Percy Jackson, Phineas and Ferb, Spongebob Squarepants. Rugrats, Powerpuff girls, Courage the Cowardly Dog, Meet the Parents, Star Trek, Star Wars, Attack of the Clones, Spiderman, The Little Mermaid, Finding Nemo, Perry the Platypus, Jedward, Eurovision or Hannah Montana.**

**Gosh that is a lot of things...**

* * *

><p>As much as I tried to protest that we weren't going on a date, Rover just wouldn't have it. I let him walk me to the bus station, but then he kept trying to drag me off into posh restaurants and florists and a chocolate shop. Okay, so I let him take me to the chocolate shop, I'm only human after all, but that was only because in the window they had these really cool blue chocolates that look like fish, and apparently taste like fish when you eat them. I didn't get the chance to eat any because Rover twigged that I was more interested in the food than him.<p>

Somehow I knew that I would never be able to rid myself of Rover unless I took action, so I did what any man would do in this situation.

"Look, a monkey!" I shouted, pointing in the opposite direction. Immediately, Rover turned to look for the monkey, while I quickly made my escape. Luckily, Rover seemed more interested in looking for the out-of-place creature than me, so I managed to run a few blocks to the bus station before I started feeling bad. But hey, there was nothing that could be done.

On the bus, I started to feel really excited about meeting my mom again. I'd missed her so much. My mom's really great. Her name is Sandy Johanneson. She's a bit weird at first- she has this major obsession with children's cartoons- but once you get to know her she's awesome. How many other kids can say that their mother can quote every Phineas and Ferb episode off by heart?

My mom loves all cartoons, from Spongebob Squarepants (I'm not sure whether she liked that because of her name, or she changed her name because of this) to the Simpsons. Every night she religiously watches all of her favourite programmes, but she has to do it in secret because my horrible stepfather can't stand them, and cruelly makes her turn them off. Then, he calls her an immature baby.

Like I said, horrible.

My stepfather's name is Gaylord Uglismelliano, but he gets people to call him Gregg. I told him that he was unoriginal and shouldn't steal all of his ideas off Meet the Parents, but then he just told me to go to bed and make anti-cartoon posters. To smite him, I created a cartoon about 'the amazing Gaylord' then made a poster telling people not to watch it because it wasn't true. I put up those posters all over town.

I _so_ showed him. He knows not to mess with the mighty PERRY JOHANNESON now!

Anyway, Gaylord treated my mother horribly, so I wasn't looking forward to seeing him. He has this strange obsession with cleaning, which my mother cannot stand. All he does is tidy up and tidy up, and leaves the whole house a wreck because nobody knows where anything is. My mom and I like things messy; after all, a messy room is a sign of creativity! Unfortunately, Gaylord didn't seem to understand my logic.

Sure enough, when I returned home, the living room is immaculate. The wooden floor was polished so vigorously that there were small dents in it, and I could see my reflection when I looked down. I smiled to myself, I really looked good. Everywhere was dusted, and all the cushions were arranged in colour-blending order. Not a single item was out of place, with all the CDs and DVDs labelled alphabetically. I bet they were all in the right cases too. I thought that arranging things alphabetically was not only a waste of time, but also boring because it takes all the excitement away. Why know where things are automatically when you can search through every box until you find the right one? It really keeps you on your toes!

I looked to the table in the middle of the room, where Gaylord and his friends were sitting playing a game of top trumps. His hair was scraped back, and a pair of designer glasses were perched on the end of his nose, which had a large zit on the end of it, might I add. He was wearing too-tight green trousers, pulled up to his waist. They were green, and really didn't match his orange polo shirt. The worst thing? He was wearing socks with sandals.

He's a right geek, Gaylord is. He has a huge fascination with Star Wars , Spiderman, and all things that nerds love. However, he is also quite strict. He consistently tells me to go to my room, though I think that's because he wants to sit and kiss his photo of Princess Leia. Also, I find it very hypocritical of him to insult my mom's cartoon obsession when he cries tears of joy watching Star Trek episodes.

What. A. Loser.

"Good evening, Perry, how was your time at school?" Gaylord asked politely, but not looking up from his cards. His other friends were dressed similarly to him, and all seemed entirely transfixed on their game.

"Oh it was great, but—" I started to say, but then Gaylord rudely interrupted me.

"Perry, please would you go up to your room? Attack of the Clones is coming on soon, and we do not wish to be disturbed. Please make your way up there now." Honestly, I don't know why he was being so formal with me. However, I did what he said and trudged up to my room miserably. Why couldn't I have a cool stepdad who wanted to do stuff with me?

I went upstairs, and saw my mom sitting on my bed watching Phineas and Ferb, the show I was named after. She was wearing a top she designed herself, with Courage the Cowardly dog on, and the Powerpuff Girls. I don't see how the two fitted together myself. She was cuddling a stuffed version of Perry, and was repeating the lines of what was on screen.

"Hey, Ferb, I know what we're going to do today!" My mother said. She seemed so entranced that I didn't want to spoil her fun, but I was desperate to talk to her.

"Mom?" I said. No reaction. "Mom?" I said again, more hesitantly.

Luckily, she looked up. Her whole face lit up when she saw me. "Hello, Perry, my dear!" She exclaimed, reaching in for a hug. I really love my mom. I hugged her back, and smiled. "How was school? Was the term good? Meet any nice girls? How was the school trip? Are you looking forward to next year?"

"Um, mom, I got expelled. There won't _be _a next year for me," I reminded her. I wondered if she knew, or just forgot.

"Oh, you did, didn't you? Never mind that then." She chuckled, then her eyes lit up as if she remembered something important. "Hey, Perry, guess what! I have a surprise!"

"What?" I asked excitedly.

"Well, Gaylord's going away to some nerd convention this weekend, so I thought we could go to the beach for the weekend." She finished talking grinning from ear to ear. I smiled as well. I really loved beach holidays. Because my mom didn't earn a lot from working in the Disney store, and neither did Gaylord from his comic book store, we didn't have a lot of money, so holidays were a rare occasion. Even then we only went to the beach.

"AWESOME!" I proclaimed, punching my fist in the air. "When are we going?"

"As soon as you get packed," she said, kissing me on the forehead before leaving. I hurriedly packed all my favourite things into my Little Mermaid suitcase: my swimming shorts, my Ariel notebook, ideas book, a few t-shirts and shorts, my Finding Nemo underwear, my Phineas and Ferb pyjamas that my mom insisted on buying me, my action figures which I am definitely not too old to own, my tomato plants, my dust bunny collection, my picture of a straight line and my used up glitter pen. However, when I tried to close my suitcase, I found that it wouldn't shut, so I had to take out some unnecessary items.

Bye bye, underwear.

* * *

><p>An hour later, we were on the way to Montauk, our destination. My mom and I were fully-on belting out the tune to the Perry the Platypus theme, resulting in a few strange looks from pedestrians. My mom used to go there every summer, and she said that she met my dad there.<p>

They met when my mother was sitting at the edge of the pier singing a song she'd written about whales. This was before her cartoon obsession. Back then, she loved marine life and everything to do with the sea. Anyway, my dad heard her and said she had a beautiful voice. They began talking and one thing led to another and you know the score after that.

She said that they spent the whole summer together, working on a project about the sea. They had collected seashells and had created a whole book about life underwater. They'd planned to get it published, but then one day, he just simply left out to sea and never returned. My mom never got over it, and she moved on from whales to cartoons after I was born.

We arrived late at night, and I wanted nothing more than a good rest. I lay down my eyes to sleep, and had a very vivid dream that Rover had turned into a bottle of ketchup and was chasing me up and down my street holding a burrito. A blonde haired girl who I didn't recognise was there, and she was wearing a potato costume, but instead of chasing me she was reading a book about the history of pomegranates. As I was running away from Rover, I fell down the drain and landed in a costume shop. The man working there dressed me up as a panda.

I never got to finish the dream, because my mother woke up screaming. I heard violent thunder and saw lightning flashing madly outside. The sea's waves were crashing angrily against the shore, and were high, as if they were reaching up to the sky. The wind howled, and everything was blowing everywhere. I heard the house shake, and ran outside with my mom. It was funny because I could swear the thunder sounded like a tune by a little Irish duo on Eurovision.

However, what shocked me the most was that Rover was standing there, with nothing to cover his legs. I almost screamed. In place of where his legs should have been, were two hairy legs that belonged to that of a _goat. _His feet? No, he had _hooves._

But worst of all?

He was wearing Hannah Montana boxer shorts.

"Quick, quick, get into the car, now!" My mother yelled. I was too stunned to react. Why on earth was Rover wearing girly shorts? He was supposed to be a manly man, like me!

Rover dashed towards me and dragged me into the car, while I muttered something about his being a weirdo.

Seriously, I worry about that kid.

**I just want to say thank you to everybody who has reviewed, alerted, favourited and read so far! You guys are AWESOME!**

**A response to the anonymous reviewer, bestgyrl offline: Yes I am British, and proudly so! I never noticed Americans saying 'math' instead of 'maths'. I guess I'm just a bit ignorant! I try to use some American words, like 'store' and 'mom' because Perry/Percy is American and would say things like that, but obviously there are times where I'll make mistakes, and I don't know all of them! However, I'm spelling things like I'm used to spelling them because if I try and spell them the American way I'll just end up getting confused, and will probably confuse you!**

**Anyway, reviews are LOVED! **

**I love you guys~**


	5. Dora the Explorer Teaches Bull Fighting

**Dora the Explorer Teaches us Bull Fighting**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Percy Jackson, Hannah Montana, Voldemort, Narnia, Mr. Tumnus, Boggarts, Go Diego Go, cowboys, Swiper the Fox or Dora the Explorer. **

My head was spinning; I'd never seen anything so weird in my whole life. I was sitting in my stepfather's car, with my best friend and mother. Except, my best friend was a freaking _goat_ from the waist down, and apparently liked Hannah Montana. I wasn't expecting that. I thought if he were to be an animal, it would have been a dog. Oh well. Don't judge a book by its cover, I guess.

We drove in silence, with only the crashes of thunder and constant pitter-patter of the raindrops to add noise. I considered talking to Rover, ask him what he was, but I was too afraid of the answer. What if he was some big flesh-eating monster who was taking me to his lair to eat me? What if my mother was in on it? What if my mother was...one of them? Then, I remembered how my mother was afraid of Chihuahuas, so that was unlikely. Unless, unless, that was a cover-up.

Defiantly, I decided to confront my mom once and for all. "Mother, sweet mother," I said firmly. "Would you please tell me what the _hell _is going on?" Fire was burning in my eyes and when I turned to face Rover, his face had curled up in fear. Bet he'd never seen this side of me before.

"Perry, honey, not now, mommy's busy driving," she replied sweetly, not taking her eyes off the road. Thunder boomed overhead, growing louder and closer every second. When I suggested stopping at the nearest hotel for safety, everyone looked at me like I'd just suggested we drive to the nearest volcano and go swimming in it.

"How about I explain?" Rover suggested calmly, ignoring the weather outside. After a nod of confirmation, Rover asked me what I wanted to know.

"How do you know my mom?" I asked nervously, dreading that he would say that they belong to the same clan of human-eaters. Although when I looked at Rover sitting in his girly underwear I found that hard to even contemplate. Surely, evil fiends would wear boxers with say, Voldemort on them.

"Well I don't know her know her, like we're friends, but she knew I was looking after you." After Rover finished his sentence I was in complete bewilderment; Rover couldn't even look after a pet bunny, let alone a twelve-year old boy. In all honesty, I was looking after Rover. How many times had Darcy and the other girls picked on him? And who had always swooped in to rescue him? Okay, it was Mr. Bummer but I was always the one who told somebody. Of course, that was after he was crying his eyes out or totally humiliated and nothing could be done about it, but that had to count for something.

"What do you mean, looking after me?" I half-chuckled, but then I saw that Rover was deadly-serious so I stopped.

"You know, keeping you safe and stuff," Rover mumbled. "Keeping you out of danger, keeping tabs on you, you know all that stuff." As he spoke he kept scratching his head which I found very off-putting and picking at his fur-covered legs. Finally, I asked him what he was exactly.

"I'm a _satyr_," Rover said quietly, like he was ashamed. "Half man, half goat."

"Like in all of Mr. Bummer's myths?"

"Exactly like in those myths, but real."

"But wait, I thought half-goats were called fauns?" I asked, confused. Of all things, I didn't think Narnia would lie to me. Sure, my wardrobe had always failed to transport me there but I just assumed that I had the wrong wardrobe. Never did I think it wasn't actually _real_...

"Fauns?" Rover laughed out loud, then consoled himself. "What on earth gave you that idea?"

"You know, fauns, like Mr. Tumnus in Narnia..." I began.

"Oh right, _those_, well those are Roman, we're Greek," Rover said. I felt a sigh of relief, so Mr. Tumnus _was _real. "Moving on, are there any more questions you want to ask?"

I thought for a few seconds, then opened my mouth to speak. "What's your favourite kind of pie?"

"Cherry," Rover said immediately, then shook his head. "I mean, questions about all _this,"_ Rover gestured towards himself and everything around us.

"The weather?"

Rover seriously looked like he wanted to hit me, which I found very unnecessary because he did gesture around him, and did I really think he meant the car? I was only using my intelligence. I sighed, then realised that he meant questions about Greek things, or strange happenings. I remembered Miss Podds, how she transformed before my eyes then exploded, and the old ladies who selfishly made us move then cut some string.

"So, Miss Podds, was she real then?" I enquired. If she was, I was very annoyed that the whole school had lied to me. After she mysteriously vanished, everyone had convinced me that there was no such person as her as our teacher was a woman called Miss Spurr. Rover was the only one who said otherwise, but as he was outnumbered a few hundred to one, I chose not to believe him. Rover nodded gravely in response, but said nothing.

"Why did everyone try to convince me otherwise then?" I said accusingly, though there was no point in trying to argue.

"For your own safety, I guess," Rover shrugged. "Of course, they had no idea. It was simply a trick of the Mist, the invisible shroud that stops mortals from seeing anything they shouldn't, that made them believe wholeheartedly that there was no such being as Miss Podds. It was Mr. Bummer's idea, though I disagreed. I thought that you should know, because sooner or later you'd find out the truth about your-"

Rover was cut off by my mother swerving violently, as if she was trying to shake something off the back of the car or get away quickly. I looked behind me, and I couldn't see anything except more traffic and a lot of rain. I noticed that my mom was driving at 60mph, and wondered why we were in such a hurry to escape. There was a violent storm brewing outside, but that didn't seem to justify my mom's reckless driving. If she wanted to be a woman, she could just go back to the kitchen and make me a sandwich. Okay, not really. Women are great.

The thunder was growing louder and closer by the minute and lightning followed, each time becoming more vivid and more dangerous. I heard my mom breathing heavily, and she kept muttering things to herself like she was really worried.

"Please, we're almost there, just one more mile," she whispered to herself. I don't know why she was worried. Did she think we would be struck by lightning? If she was, then she was wasting her time; everyone knows that lightning doesn't actually ever hit anything. That sort of thing only happens in the movies.

_BOOM!_

A blinding flash of light filled the sky, and I felt a surge of heat rising through my body, like I was being fried. Then, a drop of rain splattered on my forehead, followed by another. I looked up above me and saw that the roof had been blown off, and the rain was falling in on the car seat, and me. Dizzily, I opened the door and fell out into the mud. I wasn't bothered about being dirty.

"Perry!" My mom cried, holding me in her arms. "Are you alright?"

"Do I _look_ like I'm alright, mom?" I replied through gritted teeth. I'd just been struck by lightning, of course I wasn't alright! I...I...okay, nothing had actually happened to me except I was feeling a bit dazed, but I liked being fussed over, even at midnight during a thunderstorm in the middle of nowhere.

My mother ignored me, or just chose not to reply and rushed over to Rover's side. He was lying half-asleep on the floor. His eyes were half-open and he was trembling. Nothing appeared to be wrong with him except for blood trickling out of his mouth and a violent gash on the side of his cheek.

Perfectly fine.

"Oh no," I heard my mother say. She had a terrified look in her eyes, like she had just seen her worst fear come to life. Could there be Boggarts nearby? No, wrong book.

There was another flash of lightning, and for a split second I swear I saw a giant bull-like creature standing near us. Huge, sharp horns sat on the top of his furry head, with an angry facial expression that made it clear that he wanted to harm us. While his head, torso and arms were bulky and fuzzy, like he was a bull, the bottom half seemed quite human- flesh coloured with light hairs. He was wearing tight boxer shorts that appeared to have _Go, Diego, Go!_ designs on them, and tied around his eyes was a blue scarf with slits for eyes. He was wearing blue leather boots, the kind a cowboy would wear. If the fashion police were to walk by this instance, they would have found their 2nd most wanted criminal, the first being Rover for his offensive boxer shorts.

Don't ask me how I got all that information in a split second, but I did.

I looked back at my mother, who was terrified. Then came another flash of lightning, and the strange bull man was closer. The same happened again, and even closer.

"You know, I think that strange bull man thing is following us. Do you see anything strange?" I asked to nobody in particular. Just then, a chorus of invisible people replied "YES!"

Before I could contemplate where the voices came from, the bull man hopped right in front of me, and reached out for my mother, with a murderous look in his eye.

Just then, an idea struck me.

"SWIPER NO SWIPING!" I yelled out as loud as I could. "SAY IT WITH ME! SWIPER NO SWIPING!"

Like I predicted, the invisible voices started chanting with me. "SWIPER NO SWIPING, SWIPER NO SWIPING, SWIPER NO SWIPING!"

The bull man, who I then remembered as the Minotaur from Greek mythology, put down my mother and snapped his fingers like an angry cowboy. "Oh mayynnnn!" He said, before taking off his Minotaur suit and revealing himself to be the real Swiper the fox from Dora the Explorer. Ashamed, he ran away crying.

I cheered, and so did my mother. Who says that kids shows are a load of rubbish? They teach you lots.

However, our celebrations were short lived, because the real Minotaur jumped out from nowhere and charged towards me. I fell to the ground in pain, and then he turned around to attack my mother.

"KILLER NO KILLING!" I exclaimed, hoping for something similar to happen. "SAY IT WITH ME! KILLER NO KILLING!"

The only problem was, nobody was joining in, not even my mom or Rover (who was still lying on the floor useless). Without any other option, I tackled it from behind and using all the strength I could muster, I pulled out its horn. It was surprisingly easy, seeing as it was only attached by blu-tack. Following that, I pierced the fiend in the side and laughed as it cried out in pain.

Then, the minotaur did something completely unexpected: it talked to me.

"You may have stopped me killing you and your mother," it said gruffly, like a villain would in a bad movie, "but you can't stop me taking her hostage!" I gasped. "That's right, you never said swiper no swiping!"

With that, the monster burst into sand, like Miss Podds did after I killed her, taking my mother with him. I was completely alone apart from my unconscious best friend. The shock I witnessed caused me to pass out randomly in the woods, next to Rover.

The next thing I remembered is being hauled up the hill by my left foot and being flung on a bed by a blonde girl my age, who I caught a glimpse of before passing out again.

**Aaah, long wait before an update, I apologise. But at least I actually update, unlike some stories which end after a few chapters, which is sad.**

**Review please! **


	6. I Play Pokemon With a Horse

**I'm sorry. I really am.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Voldemort, Macbeth, Pokemon, Star Trek, Dementors, Yoda, Hamlet or Percy Jackson.**

I had a strange dream that I was a sheep wearing sunglasses with a curly moustache, and when I went into the barn the other animals thought I was some crazed gangster and ran away in fear. The others who didn't run away wanted to buy some crack.

I woke up a few times, and whenever I did, a blonde-haired girl, the one I saw yesterday, feeding me this strange food that looked like pudding, but tasted like buttered popcorn. She also kept mentioning something about the 'summer solstice'. I had no clue what she was on about, but she kept asking me what happened at that time. In a desperate bid to shut her up, I pretended to go back to sleep again. The third time I woke up, however, she wasn't there but instead there was a strange man whose body was covered with dozens and dozens of eyes. I wondered if he had trouble going to sleep.

After that, I would have carried on sleeping all day, but Rover cruelly woke me up by tugging at my blanket. I tried to ignore him, but instead he jumped on my bed and slept at the bottom like a dog would do. When I managed to kick him off, he started whimpering and whining and demanded that I played fetch with him. I told him gently, as to not hurt his feelings, that I didn't have anything to play fetch with. It was true though, it wasn't like I was in the woods where there were plenty of sticks, and I couldn't use a newspaper as I didn't have one. Who even reads the newspaper anyway? However, Rover had came prepared and laid out before me different sized twigs and sticks he'd found. I didn't want to ask him where he got them from.

At first I refused but I eventually gave in. Much to Rover's frustration, I kept throwing them out the window so he couldn't get them. When we eventually ran out of things to throw, Rover took a shoebox out of his back pocket and handed it to me. Don't ask him how a shoebox fitted in a pocket of his jeans, because I really don't know. Rover kept nodding and gesturing for me to throw it, but I opened the box because I was curious. Inside was what looked like a horn.

"The Minotaur?" I asked curiously. How had Rover managed to procure such an item? The Minotaur had ran away before I could even pull it out. "Rover, how did you get this?"

"As it was running away it tripped over a stone and its horn fell out," Rover said nonchalantly. That made sense.

"So I really beat the legendary Minotaur?"

"Don't say his name!" Rover protested.

"Who, Voldemort?"

"Not Voldemort; the Minotaur!"

"Haha, I got you to say the Minotaur!" I chuckled to myself. I didn't really get what was so important about the name; it wasn't like he was around to hear us or anything, so it wasn't like he could come running because he thought we called him. Unfortunately, when I tried to explain my brilliant logic to Rover, he dismissed it and gave me this 'names have power' speech.

"Names have power?" I asked, not entirely sure what they meant.

"Yes, if you say _his_ name, he will be more likely to return, and angrier," Rover explained. It still didn't make much sense.

"So basically, if I say the Min—"

"HE WHO SHALL NOT BE NAMED!"

"But that's Voldem—"

"YOU KNOW WHO!"

"What about Macbe—"

"THE SCOTTISH PLAY!"

"Geez, settle your kettle, Rover! All I did was say a bunch of names. In fact, you stopped me from saying them all, so there's really nothing to worry about," I said to Rover, who appeared to be breathing into a paper bag.

Rover put down the bag to talk to me, "but you almost said their names; I had to stop you. I'm the protector, it's my duty!"

"No offense Rover, but you've been doing a pretty lousy job so far of protecting." I didn't think I was being mean, I was only telling the truth, but Rover looked like he wanted to break down and cry. Seriously, he needed to man up a bit. If he couldn't handle the truth, he shouldn't have asked for it. True, he didn't actually ask in the first place, but he shouldn't make untrue statements if he didn't want someone to correct them. Silly Rover.

"You're mean!" Rover sobbed.

"And you're a goat," I said. My insults were so great, I'm surprised he didn't go running off home to his mommy.

"I'M NOT A GOAT; I'M A DOG. CAN'T YOU SEE MY NAME IS ROVER, NOT BILLY?"

"Dude, you have goat legs and hooves. You're a vegetarian. How the HELL can you be a dog?"

"JUST SPOIL MY DREAMS WHY DON'T YOU!" Rover began to cry, and turned towards the door.

"Rover?" I asked sympathetically. He turned around and dried one of his tears.

"What?"

"Voldemort , Voldemort, ooh voldey voldey voldey Voldemort," I sang. Rover ran out of the room, crying. As he ran I shouted out "MACBETH MACBETH MACBETH MINOTAUR MINOTAUR MINOTAUR!"

I'm not sure if that helped, but it was goddamn funny.

Because Rover had abandoned me, I had to find my own way around Camp once I was feeling better. It wasn't easy; a few times I had found myself wandering in the stables, or the lake, and once even the girls' toilets, which luckily, was vacant.

Eventually, after nearly getting my eyebrows singed off my wall of lava, I found my way to what looked like the middle of the camp, where three people were sitting around a table. One of them was the pretty blonde girl I saw earlier, the other appeared to be my old Latin teacher, and the other was a man I'd never met before. The man was short, with curly purpley-black hair. His big eyes were bloodshot, like he'd been drinking and he slurred when he talked, like a drunken madman.

"Um, hello?" I said gingerly. I would have been my normal, confident, amazing self if not for the fear of being punched in the face by the drunk guy. He was wearing a tiger-patterned Hawaiian shirt, that appeared to be clean, thankfully.

"Hello, Perry," said Mr. Bummer gently.

"Mr. Brunner?" I asked. What was he doing at this camp? He was too old surely, the same with the black-haired man.

He shook his head, but kindly, "Here, Perry, I am known as Chiron. You've heard of Chiron, haven't you? In our lessons."

"I have, but you can't be Chiron." It was true. There was no way on earth that my Latin teacher was some old dude from a myth.

"Why not?"

"Because Chiron was a horse, and you're obviously not a horse," I said, like it was the most obvious thing in the world, which it was.

"Half-horse," he corrected. "And did you not ever notice my obsession with horses?"

"I did, but that doesn't make you a horse, sir. Take Rover, he's obsessed with dogs, but he's not really a dog, he's just a goat."

"Well, let me show you something then."

After that, the weirdest thing happened. He stood up out of his wheelchair, and where his legs were supposed to be, there was the legs and body of a white stallion. He smiled at me, and I wasn't afraid.

"I knew it!" I exclaimed.

"No you didn't, Perry, you said that there was no way I could be Chiron."

"I never doubted you for a second!"

"Whatever," Chiron rolled his eyes at me, "do you have any questions for me?"

"A few," I said, "why is everyone here part animal? I mean, Rover is half-goat, you're part-horse, what's he, part tiger?"

The drunk man turned to me and slurred, "I'mmm nott a tigrrr youuuu scmbagggg," he said before he passed out on the table.

"Is he...dead?" I gulped.

"No, don't worry about him. He's Mr. D, the camp director. He's not allowed to drink alcohol, and gets very annoyed about that."

"Wait, so he _hasn't _been drinking?" I asked, very confused. He seemed to be extremely drunk.

"Only diet coke. You should see him on actual alcohol, now _that_ isn't a pretty sight." Chiron shuddered, as if he was remembering something he'd rather forget. I tried to imagine Chiron drunk, but an image couldn't seem to form in my mind.

"Do you know how to play Pokémon, Perry?" Chiron asked, out of the blue.

"Um, yeah?" I wasn't quite sure why he'd asked that, but I decided to go along with it.

"Great! Then we'll play, Mr. D? Hannabette?"

I'd completely forgotten the blonde girl sitting with us, she had been that quiet. She was watching me intently, as if she was trying to figure me out. The girl shook her head and walked off. What was her problem?

Mr. D, on the other hand, woke up straight away, exclaiming something about Pokémon being the greatest game ever invented. What a load of rubbish. Everyone knows the world's greatest game ever is Pacman!

I tried to get out of it by admitting that I'd never played Pokémon in my life- I was a YuGiOh fan myself- but Chiron wasn't taking no for answer. Mr. D said he could teach me, but somehow I doubted that. He seemed like the type of person who would teach me all the wrong rules just so he could beat me easily. I was going to show him!

Five minutes later, I was beaten by Mr D. twelve consecutive times.

That man surely knew his way with a Pikachu.

In a bid to try and cheer me up, Chiron decided to explain to me where I was and answer my questions.

"What's the capital of Peru?" I asked him.

"No, Perry, I meant questions about the Camp, being a demigod, your mother...Don't you want to know what being a demigod is? Or who Mr. D is _really?_" Chiron replied. Honestly? I didn't really care. I just wanted to get settled down into my cabin and have an awesome time! Anywhere was better than being at home with Gaylord, who'd probably have me watching Star Trek marathons whilst in a Yoda cosplay...

I shuddered just thinking about it.

"Not particularly," I shrugged. Needless to say, Chiron just decided to tell me anyway, which I found pretty ignorant. Wasn't he listening to me?

"Well, Mr. D is really Dionysus, the god of wine and celebrations. He's here as a punishment for chasing an off-limits wood nymph. There are twelve cabins, one for each Olympian. There should be more for minor gods and stuff, but we can't build them because it would pretty much ruin the whole plot of the book series. Because we don't know which god is your parent, you'll go in the Hermes cabin until you're claimed, which if you're really unfortunate might never happen.

"The gods are still around because they move around with the way the power shifted. First they were in Greece, then Rome, they've also been in Germany, France, Spain, England, now America," Chiron explained. After that, my mind started to wander a bitI hoped he wasn't going to quiz me or anything, because I hadn't been listening. Instead I'd been trying to work out how many squirrels it would take to make a 10ft tower of squirrels. After deciding on three, I then started playing the entire show of Hamlet in my head, only with robots and aliens instead of men running around in tights garbling on about love and other pointless emotions.

He looked at me, and expected me to make an intelligent comment, or question. Instead I just said "K."

And he gave me a death stare even a dementor would be proud of.

**Over the summer I was just lazy. Since I've been at school I've been busy with homework and coursework and stuff, for GCSEs (if you don't know what they are, they're basically just exams taken at the age 14-16). But really, I've just been lazy, unmotivated, and uninspired.**


	7. I Become Supreme Lord of TrendSetting

**So I wrote this quite a while ago and forgot to type it up on my computer, so the chances are the things I thought were funny then aren't very funny now. Oh well, enjoy this (extremely overdue) long-ish chapter.**

**Disclaimer: Don't own PJO, don't own the characters, you know the score!**

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><p>After Chiron decided to forgive me for 'k-ing' him (and a quick toilet stop!) he continued with the tour of the Camp. As we walked, a few campers started sniggering and pointing at me. Naturally, I ignored them -there was no reason for them to be laughing at me of course- and carried on walking. However, the further we walked on the more the subtle smirks evolved into strong laughter, and then to a few tears, even to people being hysterical and rolling around. Curiously, I looked down to my feet, and what do you know, there was a huge roll of toilet paper stuck to my shoe. Not just a small little square, but the whole toll of it, including the tube. And part had horse poo on.<p>

Oh.

Well who were they to judge me for the way I dressed? I was just setting trends. Within a week, the toilet-paper-shoe look would be all over the catwalk, and everybody who was anybody would be rocking the look! To make them eat their words, I started strutting up and down the pathway like a supermodel down the runway, striking my best poses as I went. The laughter stopped (although there were some confused stares).

I looked up at the farmhouse, and saw a weird finger protruding out from behind the curtains, that appeared to be doubled over in laughter. Or a sneezing fit. I couldn't tell.

"Chiron, what's that?" I asked, pointing towards the window.

"That, Perry," he replied, his tone deadly serious, "would be your mother."

"But my mother got stolen by the scary evil bull-man!" I yelled, throwing my hands up in the air (like I did sometimes) in exasperation.

"Does nobody appreciate sarcasm anymore?" Chiron sighed.

"Quit horsing around and show me the damn cabins already!" I laughed at my own joke because I'm hilarious.

Just then, a mysterious girl clutching a bow with tanned skin and dark, braided hair appeared, exclaiming "a damn cabin?"

"Go away, Cloë, you're not due until the third book," a random camper shouted rudely. The girl sniffed, and then ran away accompanied by a few wolves.

I turned back to Chiron, and asked the question again, hoping to get a serious answer this time. He told me that not a single living thing lived there. That got me wondering: what if a dead person lived there? I pictured a room filled with mummies and vampires and zombies caked in blood and gore, yearning to break free from the enclosed space and kill everyone to satisfy the bloodlust they'd contained for so long. In other words, I thought it was cool.

Camp Half-Blood had a strawberry field, which was something I wouldn't have suspected by looking at it. Well, I would have if I was looking at the strawberry fields obviously, but you know what I mean. Having said that, I wouldn't have guessed that it would be run by a drunken Pokemon-obsessed god either. If you looked at me, you wouldn't guess I was a demigod, and if you looked at someone like Rover you wouldn't know he was half-goat because he's always going on about dogs.

On the subject of Rover, I wondered what had happened to him. The last time I saw him, he was crying because I told him he wasn't a dog. I pondered asking Chiron, but then decided against it. It wasn't like he was having his life's dream destroyed or anything.

"Aren't you going to ask me about Rover?" Chiron asked, as if he could read my mind.

"No, why do you ask?"

"Because this is a key point in the story where references are made to the first time Rover brought demigods into camp and you all wonder who those demigods were and then you find out and are like OMFG and then BAM next book and the tree-girl appears making it end on a cliff-hanger and before you know it, the fan girls are hunting Riordan down for being a cliff-hanger loving troll."

I had no clue what he just said or what he meant, so I just said "how's Rover?"

"Why should I tell you?"

That man sure is deranged.

Eventually, we reached the cabins which was a relief because one more minute with horsey and I would have been driven insane. He'd started a conversation about My Little Pony again. I'd never even watched the show, or had any intention of doing so, but now I know all of the ponies' names and the plot of the entire show. Luckily, we stopped before he could tell me who he shipped with who and the plot for his latest fan fiction (seriously, he's like a teenage girl), something which I seriously didn't want to know about.

The first cabin was huge, magnificent and regal. All the other cabins around it looked miniscule by comparison. Beautifully sculptured statues of eagles on the steps, along with pillars and models of Zeus and lightning bolts adorned the entrance. I'm not much of an architect, but there was something about this building that marked it as special. Just by looking at it I could tell that only the most powerful demigods, the best of the best could reside here. I found myself drawn towards it, I reached out my hand and-

"Oh, Perry, that's just the dust cover!" Chiron chuckled. The majestic cabin (though palace seemed to be more appropriate) crumbled away before my very eyes, leaving in its place a blackened shed with a caved-in roof, as if it had been worn away by storms. Random sparks shot out of the walls, even though it seemed to be damp.

"…Zeus' cabin?" I asked doubtfully. How could the almighty king of the gods have such a dump of a cabin? Wasn't he offended? "Shouldn't it be more…elaborate? He is the king."

"Gods, Perry! Do you think we're made of money? There's no way we could afford to build something exquisite." Chiron replied, shaking his head.

"But I thought you sold strawberries for money. If you don't spend the money on cabins, what do you spend it on?" I dreaded to think what the answer to the question would be.

Chiron's eyes glistened as he reached into his satchel and pulled out a children's toy. I managed to catch a quick glimpse of rainbow-coloured hair before he hastily put it back, as if he was worried that someone would steal it.

"My Little Pony?" I groaned. Seriously, he was a grown man. Grown men do not play with little girls' pony toys. Especially not ones with rainbow hair.

"It's not just any My Little Pony, it's a limited edition Rainbow Dash signed by the one and only Willie Carson!" I don't know what I was more disgusted at; the fact that it was named 'Rainbow Dash' or the fact it was signed by someone with the name 'Willie'.

"Who the Hades is that?"

"Only a world-famous champion jockey!"

I looked at him sceptically.

"He had almost 4000 wins?"

No comment from me.

"I give up! You know nothing of quality celebrities. I bet you idolise Dora the Explorer or Dory from Finding Nemo."

"That's not true!" I protested. I watched Phineas and Ferb, and frankly, I found Dory to be really annoying. The sharks were my favourite characters.

Chiron shook his head in disgust, and continued to show me the cabins. Next to Zeus' shack was a dusty looking kitchen covered with peacock feathers. Wedding rings were scattered over the bench tops, and inside the oven was a wedding cake. I guessed it was Hera's cabin.

The other cabins were nonetheless strange. To the left was a wrestling ring with a few sleeping bags placed on top; another was a huge factory brimming with smoke that appeared to be made entirely out of bronze. A bright yellow tent decorated with paper-mache suns and a giant blue marquee decorated with fake jewellery stood alongside them. The cabin that really caught my eye, however, was a colossal green clam that continuously opened and shut to reveal a sleeping bag and a shower. I seriously pitied the person that lived there, although there didn't seem to be anyone who did. I couldn't blame them. Imagine taking a nice shower and the clam opening so everyone sees you naked. Or worse, when you were performing your one-man tribute act to Britney Spears in your Little Mermaid underpants. Not that this had ever happened to me. And definitely not whilst staying at my best friend's house. Who happened to be the son of the principal.

On the other side, the cabins were slightly more sophisticated, but it couldn't be much worse to be fair. One of the cabins was actually just a very large tree with windows cut of the bark, with leaves for curtains. Another was a log cabin, but instead of logs, it was built entirely out of mascara and eyeliner, all held together with Dior lipgloss, not that I knew who he was of course. There was a huge copy of the dictionary turned on its side so it acted as a shelter. I'd really hate to live there. I pictured waking up at night to see giant definitions of words shoved in your face. You'd actually be _learning_ while you were in there. Forget Tartarus, that was extreme torture.

The final two cabins were no less extraordinary- one was constructed out of bottle corks, and the other was a tent made from animal skins. I hoped no vegetarians or PETA supporters ever visited this place.

I wondered where I'd end up. None of them seemed very appealing.

"Where do I sleep?" I enquired, hoping it wouldn't the clam or the dictionary one. The make-up cabin seemed alright. Maybe there I could express my feminine side. Maybe there my knowledge of Britney Spears would be appreciated. Not that I had any.

"Seeing as you haven't been claimed, we'll have to put you in Eleven- Hermes' Cabin," he replied. Secretly, I was a bit disappointed, but I followed him towards the blue marquee.

The inside of the tent reminded me of one of the shows my step-dad watched, though I couldn't remember the name (Doctor Moo? Nurse Where? Midwife How?). The inside was much bigger than the outside, and full of strange people. By full, I meant seriously full. I didn't know how everyone could fit, or how I was going to fit.

"Everyone," Chiron began, but nobody was really paying attention. They were more concerned about other things; poker, talking, pick pocketing, the usual things children love.

"NEW MEAT" Chiron shouted, but it didn't garner much attention. "HE'S GOT MONEY!"

Now, everyone paid attention. Everyone stared at me with a devious glint in their eyes, like they wanted me. Who could blame them? I'm fabulous.

"Regular or undetermined?" someone shouted. I didn't know what that meant, but Chiron responded with the latter before leaving me alone. I wasn't quite sure what to do now he'd left, so I treaded gingerly through the crowds of people. I noticed that a lot of these kids had similar features: noses, skin, two eyes, hair, mouths… I'd fit right in.

I found an unoccupied spot in the corner to put my belongings in: my used up glitter pen, my tomato plant, my Idea Book, my Little Mermaid lunchbox, drawing of a straight line, and my new Minotaur horn. It struck me that I didn't have any underwea.

Oh well. Bye-bye, cleanliness.

"Hey, cool stuff you got there," said a boy with short gingery-brown hair. His eyes twinkled as he spoke.

"Thanks! I collected them myself." He sure seemed like a nice person. Perhaps he could be my friend. "I'm Perry, what's your name?"

"Hugh Jass," he said with a grin.

"Well, Hugh Jass, I like you. You seem really nice! I hope we can grow closer, Hugh Jass," I smiled, and everyone around me roared with laugher. I laughed too just to fit in, though admittedly I had no idea what was so funny or why everyone was laughing.

"And what about my friend Stu Pidass?" He gestured to the boy standing next to him. He had long brown hair in dreadlocks with tanned skin, and looked like he was trying hard not to laugh.

"Yeah, Stu Pidass sound cool! How about we get together and watch cartoons some time?" In case you hadn't noticed, I was a bit new to the whole 'making friends' thing, and had no idea that other kids my age had stopped watching cartoons. When you have a mother who's devoted her whole life to animation, and a stepfather whose dictionary doesn't include the word 'cool', it's pretty hard to have a normal life.

The boy with dreadlocks spoke up, "Want to meet my best friends?" I nodded.

"Perry, meet Ben Dover and Seymour Butts," he said devilishly. Two boys stepped forward. They were both wearing soccer t-shirts, though I wasn't sure of whose strip it was. Gaylord had banned any kind of sporting programmes in our house, on the grounds that it was 'too mainstream'. If I didn't know him any better, I would have said he was a hipster, except most hipsters wouldn't be caught dead in a Yoda cosplay.

"Wow, Ben Dover and Seymour Butts!" I exclaimed, trying to sound as enthusiastic as I could. Everybody creased with laughter. I sure was making a good impression! I'd been so busy making new friends that I'd forgotten about meeting Chiron outside. I was about to say goodbye, when he came to me. However, he was so large that he accidentally knocked Hugh over. I felt like I should have said something, but then I saw that the blonde girl, Hannabette Face, was calling me over. Abandoning my stuff on the floor (it was obviously in safe hands), I went over to her.

"What's Chiron doing?" she said in a voice completely void of any sort of emotion.

"Oh, just tending to some Hugh Jass," I said, waving my hand dismissively. I was trying to keep my cool: this was the first time we'd spoken properly, and I didn't want her to get the impression that I was some kind of loser. Not that anybody ever did get that impression on our first meetings, but I was just taking extra precautions. And she was sorta pretty.

Hannabette raised her eyebrows, but said nothing. The three second silence was becoming too awkward for my liking, so I decided that it was the right time to try me awesome, guaranteed-to-work-pick-up-lines to break the tension.

"So," I began, winking for extra effect, "are you from Tennessee? 'Cause you're the only 'ten', I see!" My charms would definitely make her swoon. I could see it now: she'd fall for me, but deny it for a few more books until we eventually cannot deny it any longer and get married or something, while everyone will make cool portmanteaus of our names like 'Perrabette' and then-

"No, I'm not from Tennessee; I'm from California. I'm not sure what you mean by 'Ten' but if you mean cabins, I'm from Cabin Six: Athena. Cabin Ten is Aphrodite's Cabin, and there are some girls from Ten over there, so the part about me being the only 'ten' you see is incorrect," she stated as-a-matter-of-factly. She wasn't trying to be nasty; she was just being intelligent. I guessed she was one of those girls whose idea of fun was hitting the library, or extra Math homework.

"Oh," I muttered. "Well, did it hurt when you fell from heaven?"

She paused for a moment, as if she was actually considering this. Seriously, you don't pause to consider a cheesy pick-up-line. You stopped to consider the answers to life's most important questions like 'what's for dinner?' and 'who would win in a fight between a stegosaurus and Batman?' and most importantly, 'where the Hades did I leave my underpants?'.

"I didn't fall from heaven, exactly, though my mother brought me down from Olympus, which you could think of as heaven if you really wanted to, but I didn't fall so it didn't really hurt." Hannabette said eventually. I felt like I could have slapped her in the face, but I had the feeling that she'd plan her revenge. Who on earth could resist the charms of Perry Johanneson? If I was a girl, I'd be throwing myself at my feet, except not really because who wants to date themselves (except Aphrodite)?

I noticed that she had a pencil hidden behind her ear, barely visible behind the flowing locks of her honey-blonde hair. A sheet filled with what appeared to be algebraic equations peeked out of her denim shorts. Looking at her from head to toe, I could tell that she wasn't overly concerned about her appearance. Her hair didn't appear to be brushed, her socks were mismatched, and as far as I could tell, she wasn't wearing any make-up. Blemishing her face was the odd spot, but aside from that, she was actually quite pretty. Maybe she felt like she didn't need any on.

"Why are you staring at me?" she blinked, giving me the impression that she either didn't like me, or felt uncomfortable around boys. Clearly she wasn't an Aphrodite girl.

"Maybe because he likes you, Hanna-sweat?" grunted an unfamiliar voice that didn't appear to be masculine or feminine, but instead a rather powerful neutral. "Not that there's anything to like."

The voice, to my surprise, came from a girl my age. She didn't seem to be particularly tall or strong, but there was something about the way she held herself, all arrogance and defiance as well as an evil sneer on her face that made her look intimidating. She reminded me of Darcy, but while she appeared to be innocent, this girl screamed danger. Her orange t-shirt was several sizes too big and worn underneath an army jacket with ripped combats and cleats. Unlike Hannabette, whose long hair emphasised her beauty and made her seem delicate, her wild and unruly tresses the colour of mood made her look disgusting. It didn't even seem to be washed!

"And who exactly do you think you are?" I asked defiantly.

"Me?" she laughed. "_I'm _Clarissa la Runescape, daughter of Ares, the war god. And what gives _you _the right to challenge _me? _And why are all the personal pronouns italicised?"

Hannabette opened her mouth to speak, probably to answer her question about grammar, but then looked at the bully and said nothing.

"I'm Perry Johanneson, daughter of…someone," I replied, ignoring the last two questions.

"_Daughter?_ Oh well then, I must show you the girls' toilets. They're lovely. They have pink toilet paper- right up your street!"

"And why would I need to look at the girls' toilets? What makes you think I'd be interested in pink toilet paper? I am a manly man you know." I scoffed. Some people had no brain cells.

"You said you were the daughter of someone," Clarissa said, folding her arms.

"No I didn't."

"Yes you did."

"Didn't!"

"Did!"

"Nu-uh!"

"Yu-uh!"

"Will you too please stop being utter idiots and speak English?" Hannabette interrupted furiously, which I thought was pretty rude of her.

"Gods, Hannabette, do you have to be so annoying?" Clarissa exclaimed in frustration.

"Yeah, Hannabette, couldn't you see we were arguing?"

"Did you just agree with me?"

"Um, yeah." I smirked. It seemed like a fairly obvious question, but like I said, she had no brain cells.

"Well here's what I say to that," she said before spitting on me. Or should I say, tried to spit on me, because as soon as the saliva landed on my cheek, I used all my efforts and might to send it flying back into her sneering face. She certainly wasn't expecting that!"

In fact, she stormed off vowing to bring me down painfully. Or something.

Hannabette looked impressed. "I'm thinking," she said after a pause, "that I ought to teach you some sanitation skills."

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><p><strong>This chapter was awful, I know, buuuuuut, there are only two more chapters until THE QUEST! <strong>


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